Faith, Basketball, and Musicals.

Some days are so completely pointless. Today being one of those days. That's a really frustrating thing because I want each day to have a purpose. As a Christian, I know what each day's purpose should be. I bring people to faith and let my faith show in my actions. I never feel like I'm doing that. I don't ever get the feeling that someone has benefited from me being where I am and from the things that I say and do. It's a frustrating feeling and I'm not sure who to talk to or what to do about it. I suppose it's possible that it's just one of those feelings teenagers get but I also think that that's used as an excuse way to often. "You're a teenger, you're supposed to be confused." "You'll understand when you're older." So often that's the response I get and it really doesn't mean anything. There should be a better answer than that. At least that's what I think. It's also quite possible that there is no answer and I'm supposed to leave it to my faith.

Piece of Snake played today. We were short one Evan and one Mr. Downey, but we had one extra Blake so that was good. We got up to eighteen points which is significantly better than the six or whatever we had the last game. It was very enjoyable to play and became pretty much the highlight of my day.

Play practice has started. I'm a nun, which isn't really what I was hoping for, but I think I can get a good time out of it anyways. There are a lot of people who I am friends with who are also nuns or a similar part and I'm sure I'll make a few more in the proscess.

So in conclusion, I'm confused about a lot of stuff and there's a lot of really good stuff going on. As always my friends are wonderful. I don't deserve them and I want to do more for them.

Oh, I got a card today from Locks of Love. That's the first time that I've had any acknowledgement that they are getting and using my hair. I've done it twice now and it's weird knowing that 12 inches of your hair got cut off, shipped to Florida, and you never hear anything about it. Anyways, I just thought that was noteworthy.

Did life bring you down here?

That's a really good question. Where is here anyhow? Oh well, I don't really care, I mean I do, but I don't. Figure that one out.

Today was a pretty great day. It was sort of long and boring but it wasn't very hard. I got to school. Sydnie wasn't at school yet. Talked to Blake, watched the guys play "nice shirt" couldn't join in because there weren't enough chairs. Aaron Paschke won. Blake got second. Then I went to my classes.

Went to lunch, Sydnie was back. That was a good thing. We got these put a valentine in the school paper things and we filled out some really funny ones. Then I went to Religion. We did a topical bible study on doubt which was very timely for me because I've had a lot of doubt lately. It helped some. I kind of like those video things we do.

Then I went to the rest of my classes. After school I watched Kristina's intramural basketball game. Then we had a baritone quartet practice, but Blake wasn't there because he had a game also. Then I got in my car and went home.

It wasn't to bad.

When desperate static beats the silence up, a quiet truth to calm you down.

I read through everybody else's blogs before I got to mine. Here's what I have to say about them. They are all unique and brilliant. I didn't see any spelling errors, which is always a good thing and I've also noticed that my friends don't use any ridiculous internet abreviations which makes me happy. Sydnie writes things that get me every time. She's amazing and I hate it when she's unhappy. Blake hasn't written in his in awhile but the stuff he wrote around his birthday and prior to that is pretty great. He's cooler than he thinks. I don't think Evan knows I read his, but I do. He's always kind of hard on himself in those, although he did talk about how he's amazing on drums which is true and it's about time he figured it out. Although he talks about how he's bad at piano, which isn't true, and how I'm good at it, another thing that's not true. He always says really deep things and I haven't really known him long enough to always know what he means, but he often says some pretty profound things. Up until I had one and I read other people's I never understood why people had these things but now that I do it's starting to make more sense. Funny how that works.

Sydnie wasn't at school today. It's weird because for pretty much all of freshman year we weren't that good of friends, but somewhere this year we just sort of realized how much we had in common and now I sort of depend on her being there. Like I said before she wasn't at school and I kept thinking, I have to show this to Sydnie or I have to tell Sydnie that and then I remembered she wasn't there and it was weird. It's weird how people you see every day leave such a hole when they are gone. She's an incredible friend. I don't know what I would do without her.

An update on what I have been doing lately. Piano. That's about it. I'm up to practicing at least an hour, sometimes two every day. I just have so much to learn. My WSMA piece is a Haydn sonata and it's I think, 8 pages long, I actually really like it though, but it's hard because I haven't had a piano teacher in awhile and stuff that a teacher would just be able to tell me I have to research and figure out on my own. I'm hoping to find someone soon. I also have Ben Folds. Ben Folds is going to make a piano player out of me yet. It's so amazing to play but it's a challenge. He writes in keys that most people don't even think about, an example being Late, one of my favorites, it's in D minor. No one writes in D minor and does a good job of it, but Ben Folds does. Technically, some of his stuff is beyond me and I just, I don't know. Right now I'm working on Fired and Landed, I'm memorizing Late, and I just recently started Selfless, Cold, and Composed, which is the first Five song I've played so it's been interesting. It's an incredible song though. When Blake gets the bass in there it's going to be fantastic. And I always play better when Evan is drumming. I'm also working on a Straylight Run song, who I had never heard of before this and I don't really know anything about now except for this one song. It's pretty neat though. I'm working on writing some stuff to, potentially to play with Blake and Evan but they don't know it yet. That might not work on. I'll have to wait and see. I don't really know what they want to do as far as music. They're both in other bands so I can't expect them to just play whenever and whatever I want. I'll have to talk to them about that.

Upcoming events are the Motion City Soundtrack concert on February 16, and the baritone party on the 17, probably.

I can be such a jerk sometimes. I think people just assme that I'm nice but seriously, I'm not. Awhile ago I said some stuff that I shouldn't have about a person behind their back and they heard and I have yet to apologize. It was nasty stuff to. I insulted them about something that I really knew nothing about. I don't even know why I did it. I'm just a jerk. I don't want to be that kind of person. I hate people like that and yet I'm a complete hypocrite because I am that person. GRRRRRRRR.

Useless Blog Entry #1: This isn't to say that the other ones are really useful. It's just that this one is especially useless.

As I gently sip this drink(it's orange pineapople juice)
I think about my lack of future.

I try to compesate her lack of love with coffee cake.

I'll be back tomorrow.
Ill be back in the ballrooms swinging.

Hangman
It's not your fault.
Commit this to memory.
The bright ideas always get lost along the way.

So that's just a little bit of randomness, but not really to start your day. I don't know why I put it there. I had pizza today and it had a lot of grease on it and I kind of think that if someone could figure out the connection between why there was a lot of grease on my pizza and why there's a lot of midriff on barbie.com, they would solve the universe.

What if I just stayed where I am forever. I'm looking at smiley face wrapping paper. If I stayed here long enough would it still be smiling?

So, that's all I've got, I'm going to bed.

I always make a title for posts after I write them. I wonder if everyone does it that way.

Just thought that I should make a note about what I was talking about on the blog entry preceding this one. The title was taken from one of my many awkward conversations with my dad. Usually in these conversations he asks me numerous questions about the things going on and the people in my life and I answer as best as I can. The drawback of this is that I always get the feeling that he doesn't understand what I mean and he thinks I'm weird. He's actually told me that I'm weird a couple of times, which is completely true. I am pretty weird. Although I do really like it that he tries because I know people who have parents who don't try and it just seems like that would suck. I also like that he's honest. At least he doesn't sit there and try to understand why I've given my new friend a nickname from the Lord of the Rings that has nothing to do with said person's personality or physical appearance.

It amazes me how it's 10:45AM right now and I can't think of anything to say but if it were 10:45PM this thing would be twice as long and filled with stuff that actually makes sense. But I'm sitting at my former grade school waiting for my dad to get back from church where he is directing the choir and I'm super bored, which is unfortunate for you, the reader. However there are two of you, which I have come to believe is not such a bad thing. Maybe I should invite a few more to read this thing but if I was one of those people who had 10-12 people reading every word I wrote, I don't think I would write as honestly as I do now. I would always be wondering what people would think, whereas now I can type up the world's most boring blog entry, get no comments on it, relieve my boredom, and feel all around better about the rest of the day.

Fred Jones was worn out

From caring for his often

Screaming and crying wife

During the day but

He couldn't sleep at night

For fear that she

In a stupor from the drugs

That didn't ease the pain

Would set the house ablaze

With a

Cigarette.

I'm hoping I got that right but I'm not sure that it is because I did it from memory. I'm pretty sure that Fred Jones is my hero. Not because this song really has anything to do with me but because he's Fred Jones. I also love that song because the whole thing is one sentence. So that's all I have.

Who were you talking to, Anna? Uh, that was Bilbo, Dad. What's his real name? I can't remember. I met him in band or at a football game or something.

So today, I was at Blake's and we were playing Landed and then we got done and we didn't play anymore because a whole bunch of people had showed up and we just didn't play anymore, not actually sure why. So I just sort of went and sat on the couch in their basement and watched all these people play guitar and pool and other stuff that you can do down there. As I'm sitting there I realize that I only know four people in the room. Sydnie, Blake, Evan, Phil(who I haven't ever actually talked to), John(I don't think he knows me). I guess that's five but you can't count John. It was just weird because all of those people clearly knew Blake and Sydnie well but I didn't know them and if Blake and Sydnie like them, that's good enough for me. I kind of think that maybe it's to late to meet all these people because 1) I am horrible at remebering names and I always make up nicknames for people to remeber them by(Bilbo is coming to mind) and 2) I'm not a cool person and I don't really have anything that makes me unique or whatever, that would make people want to talk to me. But I really want to meet all these people and possibly be friends with them because they're probably great people and I really like the majority of people.

Then later on after the basketball game tonight, I was standing in this group of people who I know by name but don't really know except for one person who I sort of would rather not know but that's a completely different story. I might as well had not been there because I'm pretty sure I said nothing and I felt completely out of touch with everything, and I felt sort of small and alone. So I just sort of stood there until I left. Obviously. So I don't know what to do about that. I can't really figure it out. I'm not really sure why I care now. I suppose it's because I've sort of gotten more attached to certain friends and they're the ones who know the people I don't know. I don't think it's some quest to become popular because I know that will never happen anyways so it would be stupid to try. I also have this incredible fear of people not liking me. It bothers me when people don't because I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't know. I'll think about it later.

Other than that there isn't much to report. Oh, intramurals today, we lost, wow big surprise. It was a lot of fun though, I enjoyed it. I didn't actually score any points but that could be because I only had the ball like three times, but whatever, we have a couple more games so maybe I will in those. Other than that, can't think of anything. And so it goes and so it goes and you're the only one who knows. If you can name that song you're amazing and I will bake you cookies or brownies or something.

4 Unaswerable Questions to Send into the Abyss

What do you do when you want to help some one but the one thing they need help with is the one thing you've never truly understood?

That has happened to me so much lately. I hate seeing people that I care about hurting. I see them and I want to make it go away, but that's not the way it works and I don't understand why it isn't. It's so frustrating because I have always been able to tell people things and have it come out right, at least I could before and then the real things hit, the things and the problems that really matter, and everything I have previously known, all of the school I've gone through and everything people have always told me is suddenly useless. I have nothing to say but I feel like I should be saying something. Where is the line between when it's important to say something and when you shouldn't say anything at all? Is there a line? Do I really want to know? I always end up saying that I understand, which is next to never true or that I'll pray for that person and I do that and I know it works but it's so hard to just accept that that is all I can do. I once heard someone say that philosophical questions are for retards. Clearly that person had never been to high school. I don't want to think the way that I think but it's impossible for me not to do so. It's just who I am, at least I think it is.

Banana Bread for Breakfast (Now that's some good alliteration.)

Hope dangles on a string.

Like slow spinning redemption

Winding in and winding out

The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in

So mesmerizing, and so hypnotizing

I am captivated,

I am...

Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

Swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed

But I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

I love this song. This isn't the whole thing obviously, if it was the song wouldn't be very long, but it's my favorite part of it.

we were having banana bread for breakfast
and we wanted to put butter on it
but the butter was rock solid
so we took it out and put it by the fireplace so it would warm up and become spreadable
and while we were waiting...

This isn't a song but it is a direct quote. I just think it's cool. They melted butter by the fireplace. I've never done that. Although I should try it some time. Except that I don't have a fireplace so that could get tricky.

Wow, this has got to be the most random blog ever. But that's ok because today I went to the store and I got tennis shoes for basketabll (first game is the 13 of this month, go Piece of Snake!, which is a name I still can't quite like for a basketball team but I'm working on it) and for running which I really needed.

how bout instead of eating, we meditate in nature

This is another one of those direct quotes. I actually think it's a terrible idea, but it made me laugh at the time. You have to take it in context but I'm not going to say what the context is so good luck with that. If any of you can figure out where it's from I will.. ummm... I don't know, we'll find out if you get it.

That's about it. I don't know if this post really had a lot of points but it sure was fun to write. A lot of things in life don't really have a point, this is just another one to add to the pot. Yep.

Milwauke to Madison in only five days. Wow, that's not that cool.

Last Saturday, I went to the Milwauke Art Museum. While the word museum tends to have a negative conotation for the majority of teenagers, I was actually really excited. This was due to the vast collection of modern and contemporary art that the museum houses, which is the sort of thing I like. The first thing that was great when I got there was the fact that the place where you pay for tickets is in this really psychedelic hallway. There's a picture of this same hallway, taken by Ben Folds, on the Ben Folds website. Just knowing that Ben Folds was there makes a place happier. Which sounds incredibly obsessive, but I don't think I care that it does.
Well, anyways, after that we went and saw this Rembrandt and His Times thing which wasn't actually that cool because it was mostly drawings and very few paintings, but I guess I enjoyed it enough. The part I actually loved was the more modern stuff. The first thing that was awesome was this sculpture called The Janitor by Duane Hanson. It is just what you think it should be. Amazing. The expression on his face is incredible. He's so realistic, that three members of family thought he worked at the museum. It's amazing, you should all go and see it. The other thing that was great was this painting by Christopher Wool. It was this huge white canvass and all it said on it in really big black letters was FOOL. At first I was like yeah right, anyone can do that. Which to some respect is true, but not everyone can do it and have it hang in a museum. My mom saw me looking at it and she said that she'd never really understood it even though she'd looked at it for a long time. She said she didn't know what it meant. It was so ironic because I'm pretty sure that it meant her. Not to say that my mom is a fool, because she's not. My mom is great. Just that, it totally defies every person who ever said that art had to be deep. He just said what he meant. So then I came home and looked up some other stuff by Christopher Wool and found out that he has quite a few really great paintings like that. Some examples of what they say: RIOT, RUN(a personal favorite), RUN DOG RUN DOG RUN, FEAR, WHY MUST I FEEL LIKE THAT, WHY MUST I CHASE THAT CAT. However just telling what they say doesn't really do it justice. Look them up on Google image. He has some that aren't just words also. I like them a lot.
So skipping forward to yesterday Sydnie threw us (Blake, Evan, Steven, Ellie, and I) this fantstically fun party. It was a Christmas, New Years, Star Wars, Gift Exchange(optional), Dance, Camping Party. We only watched 1 and 1/2 Star Wars movies, but it was fun to make comments about them. The dance ended up being interperative dancing performed by Steven, Blake, and Evan, which was pretty much some of the greatest dancing ever. For camping, I forgot the tent so Sydney built us a tent out of chairs and blankets, which I did all the time when I was a kid and I always wanted to sleep in it but my parents never let me. We slept in it and it was great fun. The whole thing was awesome. Including a 1:00AM trip to Denny's, actually two Denny's because they wouldn't let us in at the first one. We watched Conan and went for a walk. The walk was nice because Blake, Sydnie, and I had some really deep, good conversations and I think we all got some stuff talked about that had been sitting. Actually, not so much me. I tried but I've never actually had people that I trusted enough to tell important things to and when it came up I just sort of, I don't know, but I didn't want to say anything. It's not that stuff doesn't bother me or there aren't things on my mind. It's just for years I've always surpressed things and not showed or talked about what I meant and it was weird to me that they even wanted to know. That's a thing I need to work on.
This morning Steven had to go to basketball practice so we had to get up at 8:30. Blake, Steven, Evan, and I all got in the car and went home. Most of the time on the way back, I kept thinking, Wow, my friends are amazing. I know that in the course of two blog entries I've said that several times, but it's just because I mean it. I hate it when people don't appreciate their friends. Maybe it's because grade school just really sucked for me as far as friends go but seriously. It's not that hard to be nice to people. Obviously you can't be glowing and sunshine-ish all the time but you can be nice and respectful all the time. But that's not what I meant to talk about. My friends are all brilliant academically and musically and I didn't do anything to deserve all of these amazing people. Not only are they brilliant but they are funny and thoughtful and kind. It's great. So that's about all I've got. The party was fabulous. Nice work Sydnie.

New Year, New Blog. Fitting don't you think.

I was never cool in school.

I'm sure you don't remember me.

And now it's been ten years

And I'm still wondering who to be.

I love to mix in circles, cliques, and social coteries, that's me

Hand me my nose ring!

Can we be happy?

Show me the mosh pit!

Can we be happy?

We can be happy underground.

Who's got the looks?

Who's got the brains?

Who's got everything?

Now I got this pain in my heart, that's all.

Hey you with the long and lonely face

There's got to be something else

Let me tell you something else

There was a girl that passed me by

She gave a smile but I was shy and looked down so down

Don't look down no no!

Go go underground

And now there's a place to go.

It's the morning now, its the evening

It's everything.

I click my heels and I'm there.

Underground, Underground

Everything's heavy

underground

Underground

You've been kicked around,

Underground

Did life bring you down here?

Everything's heavy underground

We'll be decked in all black

Slamming the pits fantastic.

Officer Friendly's little boy's got a mohawk

He knows just where we're coming from.

It's industrial, work it underground

Get down, get down, get down

oh we can't, oh we can't, oh we can't be

oh, we can't, oh we can't, oh we can't be

everything's happy underground

So that is the song that named my blog. One of the greatest ever written. Thanks to the Ben Folds Five for being so brilliant. I'll probably change the title around sometimes. You know, mix things up but don't worry, always it'll be from Underground. It pretty much sums up a lot of really great stuff which I will most likely talk about at a later time. Maybe tomorrow.

So it is January 1. Last night, I rang in the New Year with my cat. Now, she's a great cat but that has got to be one of the most lonely things I have ever done. I wanted to be somewhere with someone, mainly my amazing friends but there was no one. It wasn't as though I wanted to go out and drink because for the record I hate drunk people. I just wanted to be talking to people. So I guess maybe this blog thing will give me, not really someone to talk to but just a place to send the things I have to say when no one is around.

This isn't to say that there aren't some amazing people in my life. There are. And while I'm not going to name every one now, because I know that they'll show up later, you know who you are.

I think this New Year thing might be a little crazy. If it even slightly resembles last year, there will be some staggering ups and downs but that's ok, because I'm here now. Happy New Year.