451

I can't make any good excuses as to why I haven't blogged since New Years. In the same way, I can't really make any promises about future blogging. Mostly, I'm just going to pretend like I've never left. Most everyone has stopped reading blogs so even if I write every day, it will be a very long time before anyone finds out about it. Blogging is a sign of our changing times. We get older, we graduate, we date, we make mistakes, and with our changing temperments and ever-changing life situations we change how we deal with the life God has given us to lead. That year when we all wrote all the time, I guess that was just how we dealt with who we were. Now, we are different people and so many of us have moved on from writing out our thoughts and sending them into the abyss for a grand total of, maybe 10 readers to enjoy, or suffer through, whatever the case may be. It's not that important but I guess it is because it means we've changed.

Anyways, I was thinking about this change today and I asked myself a lot of questions. How have I changed? Do I like who I've become? Etc. I could answer a lot more of these questions with definite answers than you would think. I probably thought the most about how I want to be perceived and about what I want those who love me to remember. This was all brought on by one little sentence out of Fahrenheit 451 which I finally read this week. "It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away."

I guess I was just thinking a lot about whether or not that's true. As a Christian, I am taught to be very humble and I think we take that to the extreme so very often. But then I was thinking about how we are all God's children, I mean, the phrase "God doesn't make junk." comes to mind. As teenagers we all start to think, am I going to be remembered, am I important. As we grow up, in one hand we hold a note saying "Go conquer the world!" and in the other hand a note saying "Remember you're just one person." Simultaneoulsy we are taught to love and loathe ourselves for the same reason; because we are human.

When it comes down to it, our perception of ourselves, or at least, my perception of myself, tends to be all wrong. We are not servants, groveling at the feet of a master we can never understand. Instead, we are powerful tools in the hands of a loving God. He could have saved the world on His own, but instead, He sends us out. We go with words and actions and a strength that we can't even comprehend. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I don't know, just something to think about.

So this is the new year... There'll be no distance that can hold us back.

My blog is one year old to day. Hum Hum Hum Hum Hum Hum Hum Hum. That was the birthday song, but you probably already knew that.

It's funny how things change in a year. So much has happened in the past year. Junior year started, band trip, my dad was in the hospital, I got my job, my brother came home from college, choral fest, forensics; I mean, that's just a scratch off the surface of the huge amount of really important things that have happened.

At the same time, so little has changed. I'm just going to school and doing all this really ordinary stuff. The whole New Year's blog post is kind of pointless, because in a year, I'll be saying the same things.

I guess I just want anyone who reads this to now how very important you are to me. I don't know if this makes a whole lot of sense, but if I'm different, it's because of you, if I'm the same, it's because of you.

This past year was all about learning that I'm not in control. God taught me over and over again to let go and leave things in his hands and I still don't have it down.

I think the other big lesson this year was learning how powerful the things I say and do can be. The things I say and the things my friends say have such a huge impact on people. Personality and language and even appearance can be such huge blessings, but at the same time, those are the things that impact people around you and they are powerful.

So, friends, Happy New Year. Here's a glass of sparkling grape juice to change, little paragraphs, trust, family, friends, and good old fashioned growing up.

I love laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I know that's the standard way to start any post, but really, so much has happened, I feel like a different person.

I guess one of the biggest things would be the stuff with my dad. I don't want to put in to many details, but basically, Thursday night about two weeks ago, my dad came down from his room and sat on the couch. My mom went and talked to him and then she came rushing through the living room, "your dad needs to go to the emergency room now" and gets her coat. My dad walks through and she's like "John, take an aspirin". It's hard to explain in words how I felt at that moment. In my mind, the only conclusion I could reach was that my dad was having a heart attack. It was like my whole childhood came crashing down around me. All of the wonder of one day becoming an adult and all of my beliefs about getting older being awesome just totally fell through. I think the main thing that made the whole situation so hard to comprehend was the fact that, when you're a kid, you think your parents are invincible. It's not like I didn't know that before this happened, but never before has it been so thouroghly shoved in my face. I couldn't just pretend like it wasn't true. I just didn't know what to do. I think I paced my living room for like a half hour and then I tried to call people but it was late and it took me a long time to get a hold of anyone. I did finally, and it helped so much, so thanks again.

Well, my dad is fine. He did have heart troubles but it wasnt' a heart attack. It was rather serious, but it wasn't something they couldn't deal with. He's doing a lot better now, and I am to, but it was just one of those eye-opening, trust in God, because you can't control what's happening sort of things.

The next big thing would have to be Choral Fest. It was in Michigan this year. I had such an amazing experience. We drove up Thursday and went to our host families. We stayed with this amazing couple. They've been married fifty years and they were talking to us about their marriage and they don't fight. They were saying how they have disagreements, but they just aren't important and wow, even now the things they said just amaze me. They were wonderful. The actual festival was awesome. I met so many amazing people from all over the country. I have so many new friends and they are all so great. People at that thing really sang out, I could not believe how loud and good people sang. No one at this thing was afraid to express in their music how they really felt about God like they are at school a lot of the time. The sacred concert on Sunday made me feel so incredible. I felt so close to God and to the wonderful Christians around me. I have never before felt such an amazing spiritual high. It was just, even now, I can't really put it into decent English. It was a huge highlight in my life.

It's funny how I think through these things and I know what's happening, but when I try to type them out, they seem so insignificant. I mean those two events are like the ultimate low and the ultimate high in my life, and they sound so commonplace. The mind is an amazing place that it can comprehend such vast amounts of emotion.

I guess I'm going to leave it at that. I had a great day at work, and I'm ready to go to bed now, so I love you and I'll post again soon.

You don't live unless you do the things you think you can't.

I called Ellie yesterday. It was so fun to talk to her. I miss her so much. I wish she could come home and we could have a party with our little group. I guess this is a learning experience for us. We're all learning how to communicate in new ways. Phone, facebook, e-mail, the list goes on. I've never been a big lover of change, but I've really had to embrace a lot of it lately.

Wednesday was my birthday. It was a really fun day. I drove to school because it was a half day so I went to get coffee. Turns out it was double punch day at Tan-A-Latte so I got two punches on my coffee card and I got a new bakery card for scones and muffins. So that was an excellent way to start the day. When I got to school, there was a whole bunch of people standing waiting for me in the lobby. I was so overwhelmed, they got me presents and really awesome cards. Sydnie got me this ginourmous bear and he's so cute and soft. I love him, his name is Patrick. She's so sweet. She also got me a Curious George and a really cool picture frame with this great picture of her and Shelli and me. Jenna got me scrapbooking things and cupcakes, the list goes on. People were so nice. I still can't believe it. I don't get it. I didn't do anything and they just, man, it was so awesome.

Today was career day. I actually put some thought into it this time. I really have no idea what I want to do with myself. I really don't even have much in the way of life goals. I know I want to go to college and everything and I want to have a careeer, but I also know I want to get married and have a bundle of kids, so I don't know. Anyway, I went to Journalism, Interior Design, Architecture, and Graphics Design. I actually learned some stuff and have maybe a better idea about things.

I think that's about it for the update. Hopefully, I'll get back into the swing of writing posts and write better than the last few have been.

Keep on truckin' everybody!

I would stand in line for this. It's always good in life for this. Oh baby, oh baby, Then it fell apart, it fell apart.

It's quite possible that I am the only one who does this, but do you ever plan something to perfection. You examine every single possibility of things that could go wrong and you formulate a plan that has no chance of failing. Then, it all falls apart because of one little thing, one person's opinion. It's not really a real reason, it's just someone being human, and you not having thought of this one. I know that's extremely hypothetical, but most of you know what I'm talking about. I can apply the same basic situation to several other situations in my life. With this most recent one, I was so mad at myself because I wanted to have some great uplifting thought that would make everything better, but all I could think of was, "Wow, this really sucks." I couldn't come up with some great situation to get myself out of it, it was just so frustrating. I guess it was just the realization that I can't control how everything works out, the thought that just because I plan them well, doesn't mean things will work out. That is probably one of the things that I really need to work on. Just letting go, I suppose is the simplest way to put it.

The talent show was Tuesday night. That was fun. I didn't think I would enjoy it all that much, but I did. I did what I always do. I stood around with my friends and chatted and laughed. It always makes for a pleasant evening. I guess Jordan and Sydnie came to visit me at work, but I got off early so I wasn't there. I felt very bad about that, but at the same time, it made me feel really good to know that they had wanted to come visit me.

Pow, if you can name the artist in my post title, you either know me way to well, or you looked it up on Google, or you are incredible. I hope it's that you are incredible, which I already think you are. Yeah, but guess, just try it. I love that song and I don't care what anyone says.

Forget what we're told, before we get to old. Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

So today, I waited on the guy who I took my driver's test with. I was so nervous. I must have checked and rechecked my bill nine times. I mean, I guess that was kind of stupid. It's not like he can take my liscense away if I give him cream of brocoli instead of chicken dumpling soup, but still, it was really weird.

Also, today I baby-sat and a bunch of the neighbor kids came over. There were 6 kids total and it was so fun because they all came and had a snack and juice. They all sat around the table and had awesome kid conversations. I loved it.

There really isn't much for me to say. I just made a post, even though it was useless. Oh, last night my dad, and my sister, and I watched Hello Dolly! Musicals always make me want to skip and wear fance clothes, so I did. I got out my really old yellow party dress and my gloves and I skipped over to the tv. It was fun.

A Capella tomorrow. It's the first one of the year. Hopefully all goes well.

Tootles!

Meg Ryan

Today, I feel like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. I'm wondering if my small life is what I want to be doing or if I'm just not brave enough to try something different. I'm probably to young to be having such thoughts, but still. If not for me, my family would probably be living halfway across the country and everything would be different. It's probably a dangerous thing to start examining your life on what could have been, but you just wonder, but as Meg says, "I'm not looking for answers, I just want to send this cosmic question into the void."